


Mick Mercury and the Choco-Cookie Caper

by NeitherEverNorNever



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Claustrophobia, Content warnings:, I've decided that canon is stupid and Annie and Benten are best friends, but there's still references to things because i like to torture you, lies/manipulation, mentions of Sarah Steel's A+ parenting, nobody's dying on my watch, police and police brutality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2020-07-16
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:41:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25298542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NeitherEverNorNever/pseuds/NeitherEverNorNever
Summary: It's the heist of the year for the King of the Freeway and his friends Juno, Sasha, Benten and Annie. Objectives have been set, distractions have been planned, and now they just need to execute their theft.The place: the high school pantry. The goal: the school's well-known Choco-Cookies.As usual, shenanigans ensue.
Relationships: Benzaiten Steel/Annie Wire, Mick Mercury & Juno Steel & Benzaiten Steel & Sasha Wire & Annie Wire
Kudos: 5





	Mick Mercury and the Choco-Cookie Caper

*sounds of a dinner parlour*

CONCIERGE: Ah, good evening, Traveller. And welcome...to the Penumbra. 

CONCIERGE: Tonight’s entertainment is: Mick Mercury and the Choco-Cookie Caper.

*sounds fade out*

*Hyperion theme music plays*

MICK: Alright, friend-o’s, so here’s the plan. Me and Juno-

ANNIE: Juno and I!

MICK: Is that not what I said? Juno and I will go to distract the guards while Ben and Annie sneak in through the vents and get to our quarry. Sasha’s on lookout duty. Any questions?

JUNO: Mick, I thought Sasha and Ben were going together to get to the quarry while Annie was being lookout?

ANNIE: *scoff* What, you don’t trust me, Super Steel?

SASHA: Also, why are you saying guards and quarry like this is some kind of heist? We’re just stealing cookies, Mick.

MICK: Look, are you going to really go against the King of the Freeway?

BEN: That moniker’s a lie and we all know it.

*all of them start shouting at each other*

*ANNIE starts crying*

SASHA: HEY!

*everyone else stops talking until only ANNIE’s muffled sobs are heard*

MICK: Hey, there, little Annie, I’m sorry if I-

*loud knocks from upstairs*

ADULT WIRE: Hey, kids, keep it down down there! Your mom’s trying to have a nap, Sasha, and you all keep waking her up.

*beat*

BEN and JUNO nearly simultaneously: It’s my fault.

SASHA: Steel One and Two, we can talk about your need to martyrize yourselves later. Mick, you wanted to say something?

MICK: Yeah, ummm…This isn’t gonna be easy. They know that kids like us would kill to get the recipe, and they might even go so far as calling the police. But we’ve got this! We’ll meet back here once you two’ve secured our prize.

*clapping*

MICK: I love you guys. Now let’s get going! Next stop, Choco-Cookie heaven!

*beat*

MICK: *whispering* Juno, what does “martyrize” mean?

JUNO: I dunno, I’m just curious which one of us is Steel One and which one is Steel Two…

*scene change*

*sounds of footsteps echoing in hallways*

JUNO: So what’s our distraction, Mick? The one where you pretend to be a bully planning to beat me up or the other one?

MICK: What was the other one again?

GUARD #1: Hey! Over there!

JUNO: The first one it is.

*running sounds*

JUNO: *yelling* Help! Help! There’s a bully after me!

GUARD #1: So beat them up, kid. You look strong enough to push someone around.

GUARD #2: Yeah. World outside of school is pretty tough. You’re going to need to be tough to survive out there, kid.

JUNO: *yelling louder* He’s even bigger than me and I can’t shake him!

MICK, clearly just going through the motions: *groans* Come here, you!

GUARD #1: Stop right there!

MICK: Who, me?

GUARD #2: No, we meant the six-foot-tall bully behind you.

MICK: What, there’s…oh, you were being sarcastic.

GUARD #1: You were afraid of getting beaten up by  _ them _ ?

GUARD #2: They’re not even that bright.

JUNO: Hey, he’s doing his best.

GUARD #1: You’re...defending him?

MICK: What’s going on? I’m lost.

GUARD #2: Frankly, me too, kid.

JUNO: Ummm…

GUARD #2: Wait, do you have permission to be here after hours?

GUARD #1: Oh, right, that’s not allowed.

JUNO: Mick, run!

MICK: What?

JUNO: RUN!

*slowly receding conversation*

GUARD #2: Hey, you folks! Stop right there!

*beat*

GUARD #2: Well, get after them!

GUARD #1: You know my head’s all scrambled, Bruce! Don’t make fun of me, I’m going, I’m going!

MICK: Are they following us? 

JUNO: They better be! That’s the whole point of a distraction, Mick!

MICK: What’s that other guard doing?

JUNO: Ummm, I think they’re calling the police, Mick.

*pause for comedic effect*

JUNO: Oh no, they’re calling the police.

MICK: Jay, RUN!

GUARD #1, panting heavily: I’m gonna get ya, you twerps!

*sounds of heavy footsteps that slowly fade out*

*scene change*

*sounds of straining aluminum and various bumps and scrapes*

BEN: Why am I the one in the vents? I mean, I’m really flexible, but I’m also way too tall for this...

ANNIE: Because your sibling didn’t want you getting in trouble with the guards when you’ve got three more years here and he doesn’t.

BEN: Wow, really? You got all of that from him?

ANNIE: No, but you’re both really gullible, apparently.

BEN: Hey!

*ANNIE giggles*

*sounds of talking begin to rise in volume*

BEN: Annie, stop! There’s someone-

*A large metallic bending sound interrupts him*

BEN: Oh no.

*A very loud crash*

GUARD #3: What the…hey, who are you?

BEN: Umm…I’m a child actor! I’m researching a role…

GUARD #3: Oh, is that so? What’s the role for then?

BEN: It’s Fast and Furious 29! There’s a scene where a child genius, played by  _ moi _ , steals a coms full of personal information from a security agency by going through their vents. I wanted to get the real deal experience, so I decided to sneak around the vents of this building, which I have to say, is really lax on security.

GUARD #3: Little sir, this is a high school. Who sneaks around in vents anymore?

BEN: They do in the movies, ma’am!

BEN, internally while GUARD #3 talks underneath: I hope Annie’s found a way around the broken vent to get to the pantry…I just gotta keep this guard busy while she sneaks in…

*scene change*

*sounds of a door opening*

ANNIE: Alright, I’m in! *shivers* It’s a bit cold in here, brrr.

*beat*

ANNIE: I wonder if they’re over here…

*fabric rustling but not THAT fabric rustling*

ANNIE: Nope, just flour…

*sounds of metal cans clinking*

ANNIE: Ah-ha! This must be it!

*sounds of chewing*

ANNIE: Oh, these are definitely it! Now to find the recipe…

*alarm begins blaring*

INTERCOM (which is Sophie’s voice, obviously): Oldtown High is now on high alert: Students sneaking onto the grounds after hours. All entrances and exits will be sealed in T-minus 15 minutes. 

ANNIE: Oh, come on! It’s just cookies! *pouts* Well I’ve got ‘em, so I should be good now.

*scene change*

MICK: Well, I think we’re safe now, Jay-Jay.

INTERCOM: Oldtown High is now on high alert: Students sneaking onto the grounds after hours. All entrances and exits will be sealed in T-minus 15 minutes. 

JUNO: That’s not good. We’re still in the building, Mick!

MICK: I’m not that stupid, Jay! I know I’m still inside the school.

JUNO: Sorry, felt the need to point out the obvious. But the fence is right there…wait!

*sounds of blaster fire*

JUNO: Dammit, Mick! Watch out!

*another shot*

MICK, distantly shouting: You’re going to want to work on your aim, assholes!

JUNO: Mick, what are you…I guess I’m going after him.

*a couple more blaster sounds. A chain-link fence clinks loudly. Loud footsteps.*

*JUNO and MICK breathe heavily*

JUNO: Mick, what the hell were you thinking, breaking for the fence like that? We could have gotten shot!

MICK: But we  _ didn’t _ !

JUNO: Look, I know you really lean into the whole “King of the Freeway” thing, but maybe don’t give a girl a heart attack, okay?

MICK: Sure thing, Jay. Dammit, are they allowed to shoot at kids like that? The whole stun shooting thing is rather unnecessary, doesn’t it?

JUNO: People have been against it since ever. Even the people of old Earth had a policing problem. Why do you think I want to fix it?

MICK: Yeah, right.

*beat*

MICK: Wow, that girl coming towards us over there sure looks like Sasha, huh?

*beat*

JUNO: That’s because it  _ is _ Sasha, Mick.

SASHA: Where’s Ben and Annie? I heard shots and I got worried.

JUNO: Umm…

MICK: Well…

SASHA: You left them behind?!

JUNO: No! We had to run, but they were right-

SASHA: Well then, we’d better go find them. Otherwise we’ve just let them take the fall for us, and I can’t do that to Annie.

JUNO: Yeah, I can’t afford to have Ben get in trouble. Mom would kill him. 

INTERCOM: T-minus 10 minutes to lockdown.

*scene change*

BEN: ...and that’s how I became the youngest person to star on a stream of  _ Mars’s Greatest Talent _ , and-

*a clang*

GUARD #3: And what, sir?

INTERCOM: T-minus 5 minutes to lockdown.

BEN: I just realized that I’ve spent too much time talking! Now, if you’ll help me back up into the vent, I’ll be on my way.

GUARD #3: But you didn’t tell me how you met Mayor Vanya Petyrborg and got the keys to the city from xem!

BEN: And you never will, unfortunately! So sorry, but I’ve got to go!

*GUARD #3 and BEN grunt, there is another metallic clang*

ANNIE: You took your sweet time, Ben.

BEN: Shut up, I had to play distraction because apparently Super Steel and the King of the Freeway share a single brain cell between them.

GUARD #1: Hey, Bruce, did you hear that? I think those two kids went this way!

GUARD #2: Sure thing. 

BEN: *sighs* Case in point.

ANNIE: *whispering* Shhh! They might hear us!

BEN: *whispering* Well, we better be quiet then, Annie!

*there are a couple of bumps and echoed grunts as BEN and ANNIE navigate the vent system, but then the sound fades out*

*scene change*

*sounds of not-frantic running*

SASHA: There you are, you little rascal!

ANNIE: *giggles* Sasha, stop it! Not in front of Benten!

SASHA: Why, you got a crush on Steel Two?

BEN: What, Juno’s Steel One?

JUNO: I knew it! Sasha thinks I’m cooler!

SASHA: I was going by birth order, Juno. And even then, Benten’s only younger by a few seconds...

JUNO: Something that he brings up at every possible opportunity. But you have to admit that I’m actually the better Steel sibling.

*pregnant pause*

JUNO: Oh, fuck you, Sasha.

BEN: I knew it!

SASHA: Listen, Juno-

MICK: Guys, maybe we could focus on the fact that we broke into a high security area and stole a valuable bit of loot?

ANNIE: Right, umm...*sounds of rustling plastic* A couple of them got a bit crushed in the vents, but-

MICK: Well, hand ‘em over! Gotta share the spoils, right?

ANNIE: Okay, Mick, here.

JUNO: Thanks for doing this, Annie. I can’t imagine what it would be like without you helping us.

SASHA: She learned from the best. 

JUNO: And who’s that?

*beat*

SASHA: Really?

ANNIE: Juno, that wasn’t very observant of someone who wants to grow up to be a cop.

MICK: What?

JUNO: I told you that in confidence, Annie!

SASHA: You just got chased by cops with stun rifles, Juno. Why would you wanna be one?

MICK: Hey, everyone! These Choco-Cookies aren’t going to eat themselves, and it’s getting late and the Steels need to get home soon.

BEN: Oh, yeah. Cheers!

*they all munch on their cookies and then dramatically spit them out*

MICK: Annie, these aren’t Choco-Cookies. This is like the cheap Plutonian knock-off.

ANNIE: But they were in the tin that I saw Lunchperson Andrew get them from! I swear!

JUNO: Oh no, these are the real thing, Mick. They’re just off. Probably sat out for too long and got all stale like those broken-open packets of Wheat Crisps you find in the train vending machines. 

MICK: Hmm...

JUNO: You know, I think we’ve all learned something today. Sometimes, in Hyperion City, you get what you get...

ANNIE: Ummm…

SASHA: Just let him monologue, sis.

JUNO underneath:...because so many of us are too poor to pay for those kinds of things. We’ve got to fight just to eat every day, and what we get in return is often just the crap at the bottom of the barrel. At the same time, rich kids in Uptown get to have fancy extracurriculars that are paid for with their parents’ stolen wealth. Wealth they stole from us!

But we can make our way into safety. Cops may not be the safest job, but I think they can be better. I have to, because I don’t know what I’d do otherwise...

*beat*

ANNIE: Oh-

SASHA: Wait...

JUNO: But we have to believe in people. I believe in all of you, and I think that’s the real reward for our work today. We got to have fun as a family tonight. 

*MICK sobs openly*

JUNO: And I couldn’t find a better group of people to go on a heist with. 

SASHA: Juno, that’s really profound of you to say. I’m not sure about the whole “police” thing, personally, as I think you’d make a great private eye or something similar, but I think we all found that touching.

ANNIE: Uh-huh.

BEN: Super Steel’s got a thing for words. Maybe he should be a poet instead. Write something for a stream or a film or whatever.

JUNO: Nah, not my style. I don’t like how that turned out for Mom, anyway. 

MICK: Hey, wanna give these gross things to the sewer rabbits? They’d really like ‘em, I bet. 

ANNIE: Sure, yeah.

*EVERYONE laughs*

*Hyperion theme plays again*

*sounds of a dinner parlour fade back in*

CONCIERGE: The Penumbra Podcast is created and produced by Kevin Vibert and Sophie Takagi Kaner, and funded by your generous support on Patreon. Every dollar helps.

CONCIERGE: We would like to thank everyone who supports us on Patreon, but especially to Benzannie Shipper #5, Where On Earth Is Peter Nureyev? and Juno Steel is Cake for their generous contributions per episode. 

CONCIERGE: I’m so sorry you've been called away, traveller. We hope to see you again soon.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to my friend Danny for reading this first and sending me several keysmashes in response lol. They enable my wild takes and that's very sexy of them.


End file.
